Louise's diary

Louise Gilbert's mother gave her a journal when she was ten years old. It is bounded in her favourite colour; purple leather.

She's continued documenting facts and stories about her life in the diary, and how befriending a vampire had awoken her to a world filled with danger, magic, and mystery. She also writes her secret feelings about Damon in there.

In Under Control, Damon reads her journal where she spoke about their kiss.

Entries

 * -|Season 1=

 September 7, 2009  I̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶t̶r̶a̶n̶g̶e̶ ̶f̶e̶e̶l̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶b̶a̶d̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶g̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶h̶a̶p̶p̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶o̶d̶a̶y̶.̶
 * Dear diary,

I don't know why I wrote that.

It's been three months, two weeks and two days since I've written anything down. It's been one hundred and seven days since I've smiled or spoken really. I feel empty and hollow inside, as though I'm existing in the world but not truly living. But I got by, day by day, minute by minute and I did it the only way I knew how. I put on my mask, my façade of normality and played my part in the act I called my life.

Everyday I pretend I don't feel as though I could crumble to the floor every time I see a picture of my parents or someone mentions their names. It's been three months, two weeks and two days since my parents died. I still don't understand how that could happen. There were four people in that car when it went over wickery bridge; two lived and two died. How does that happen? How could Elena and I survive but not our parents?

It wasn't even possible. The water pressure had blocked the doors; no human could have gotten out of that car. The doctors couldn't explain why or how both of us survived. It was a true miracle, they said.

But there nothing I can do to change what happened because believe me, I would if I could. I have to go on. I have been this giant ball of grieve and sadness all this time but today, journal, today will be different. It has to be.

Today I'm going to smile. Today, when someone asks me that dreaded 'How are you?' question, I'm going to smile and reply 'I'm fine. Thanks for asking'. I'm going to be bright and peppy Louise. The Louise that people expect me to be. I am going to be that Louise that people expect to see on the first day of school. Today, I'm going to be the Louise that my brother and sister know. This year I will start fresh, be someone knew. No more being sad.

Well I can pretend not to be right?

You and I will know the truth and I'm okay with that. It's the only way I'll be able to survive.

-L

 Still September 7, now about 4:00pm  I survived the school day. Shocking, I know. Everyone was mega cool.
 * Dear diary,

So, I'm going to a party tomorrow. I know; it's been a while but I'm so due. It's the back to school party. I don't know. I haven't had any actual fun since...you know and I'm afraid I don't know how to anymore. But I did realise something about myself today, though.

I'm different.

 September 12, 2009  There has to be an explanation or else I'm going crazy. I've witnessed things - things that have played out right in front of me.
 * Dear diary,

Last night I had a dream of a body with a bite mark on the neck then at the football game I found that body...Mr Tanner. Oh jeez, if anyone ever found this, I'm screwed. They would think I'm insane but right now I don't care. If what I believe and that is; I predicted that man's death, I swear on my life I didn't mean to. Yes, I have accepted my dream to be reality. How could I not? It played out right in front of my eyes.

I don't know what to think anymore without wondering if I'm going crazy. However there is one thing I know for sure. Everything has changed.

Thank you dear journal for letting me share what I can't in person. This is the only place I can be free with what's going on.

-L

 December 8, 2009  Should I feel ashamed, glad, relieved or maybe even grateful that Stefan tortured and then took the life of someone? Who is essence was in fact already dead but yet still a living person? Because after all; he was trying to kill Elena and I and even made a sport of it. All due to our resemblance to Vivienne and Katherine.
 * Dear diary,

Or should I feel ashamed for even contemplating the mere importance of my life over another? I don't know.

Why is Vivienne so important? Why were men - the undead - still seem to care? Why after a hundred and forty-five years she still has the effect of charming men to do her will?

 December 24, 2009  Damon can be such an ass.
 * Dear diary,

 January 15, 2010  I did something. It was very, very wrong. I know it was but my question is: how can something so wrong feel so right?
 * Dear diary,

I kissed Damon,

 January 29, 2010 4:44 am  It happened again tonight. I woke up at exactly 4:44 am. My body was shaking. My throat felt dry and as if it was going to close on me. I'm scared that one time I won't be able to breathe, that my throat will close up or my lungs will give out.
 * Dear diary,

The same dream was back and it was different this time though. I still saw the staircase. It was on fire like it always is. But something else happened. There were burning bodies - I've never seen them before. I can't seem to make out any of them though.

I don't know what to think of the whole thing especially with each new piece being revealed each time. Each time it happens it gets more intense and worse. Somehow I have to figure this out. There has to be an explanation.

Alright, it's now 4:52 and I should get back to bed. Thank you journal for letting me share what I can't in person. This is the only place I can be free with what's going on.

-L

 February 8, 2010  It's been a while since we talked. I really only have myself to blame for that. Even when I first started writing in you - vivid numbingly; painful memories of my past - I never went this long. It's weird to admit but things felt easier back then. 'Back then' wasn't so long ago, though, was it?
 * Dear diary,

I'm sorry I've neglected you for so long. There's been so much going on that I wouldn't know where to start.

 February 14, 2010  It's been a week since Stefan's been locked away in the basement. There's still no sign of progress of him returning to his former self. He's refusing to drink any blood, human or animal and he's barely spoken to any of us, Elena included. I can see it's crushing her to see him like this. She's been spending her nights at the boarding house, determined to get Stefan back on his feet.
 * Dear diary,

Speaking of Salvatores - I have a confession. I can't lie. Not here. I have to be honest with myself, even if I pretend with everyone else. Now diary, you are the only place I can work at my feelings.

Ever since the pageant my mind has been on Damon. I wanted to kiss Damon. I wanted to touch Damon. I always have-


 * -|Season 2=

 February 26, 2010  Damon,
 * D̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶d̶i̶a̶r̶y̶

How could you? I hurt you. I know that. But, did you have to be cruel enough to hurt me through my brother? Did you have to be the monster I've forgotten was part of you? You killed my brother. Whether or not he came back from it, whether you knew he would or not, what you did is unforgivable. It should be. It has to be. I need it to be.

I don't know how I'll get through this and wake up like everything is still okay. I'm not. You didn't just kill my brother, you abandoned me - you cut yourself out of my life.

I'm not Vivienne, I never will be. Because she never saw you, how far you would go for the people you care about and she never really loved you. She cursed you with this existence, into darkness you can't seem to leave behind but I'll always be the one trying to save you from it. But you treated me as if were her - unbreakable and numb. I don't play games, especially not with the lives of the people I love.

You made me believe in you, that I knew you and that you would never hurt me. I trusted you.

And you know what hurts so much? Is that I still do, that even in the haze of it all my anger with you, I still understand you. It frustrates me that these tears are not just for almost losing Jeremy but because I can still feel your pain, the desperation from your kiss still lingers on my lips and it breaks my heart to know you will never completely heal from tonight.

You were right. I was scared Vivienne would send you off the deep end. You were right. You didn't need her for that because I managed to do that just fine.

I choose to hate you because it's easier not to feel - just like you said. I'd rather mourn the loss of you in my life than listen to that voice in me that wants to forgive you. I never should.

I hate myself because the truth didn't die with my brother and it's eating me up inside. I'll tell myself there's nothing good inside you. You don't want to feel. You want to be hated. It's easier that way. I'll believe it all or everything will fall apart and I'll betray the everyone I know because if I don't keep lying to myself, I know I'll forgive you. I know that I'll look into your eyes and feel like everything that shattered in my heart tonight is falling back into place. I'll have to accept why in this moment my hatred for you is so pure, why I'm afraid to look past what you did to me, to us.

The second I stop, you will have to know why.

I love you.

 March 28, 2010 
 * Dear diary,

It's late but I couldn't sleep. I don't seem to need as much sleep as I used to.

I know it's been a very long time since I've written and I'm sorry about that but a lot of things have been going on. I know that doesn't sound like an excuse, rather it's the reason why I write here in the first place. To let it out. But like I said a lot of things have been happening, for too many things for me to write about them. Because when I write I don't know where to start. That simple.

Let's start with my new relationship...

I'd be lying if I said it was my intent to fall in love with Damon Salvatore. Even in the beginning, I felt an attraction which I tried to dismiss. But Damon's voice shaped perfect words, wrapped up in his deep, husky voice. I was fascinated, intimidate. Under the scrutinizing glare of his watchful eyes. They saw everything.

He's dangerous. And I know that. I know all of what he's effortlessly capable of. He's a murderer. A fact which used to make me tremble, but now it's to summon any fear at all. He is what he is. And I know he would never hurt me, could never allow himself to. And I embrace him every time he walks through the door, all of him, because I love him. It doesn't make any sense, but I'm gradually learning life doesn't make sense. I don't want normal. I don't want the expected. Diary, all I want is him.

It's never going to be easy, but this what I've chosen. I've chosen Damon, because I know there's something inside of him worth hanging onto.

Onto other news...

The oldest vampire in history is after my sister and I. He wants to break the sun and the moon curse that will unlock his werewolf side. In order to do so - he needs to drink every last drop of blood from our bodies in order to succeed. My only option is to turn into a vampire and be on the run forever or hand myself over.

Nothing feels the same anymore. When will it end? I long for the days when Katherine and Vivienne were our biggest worry, but then that all came back down to Klaus anyway.

 March 30, 2010 
 * Dear diary,

I'm sorry it's been a while. Lately I've been too busy or too depressed - or both - to write to you. Well, I am writing to you a prisoner - a prisoner in my own home. Damon and Bonnie thought it would be best for Elena and I to be trapped inside unable to complete our 'suicide mission' as Damon calls it. He says Stefan is also in on this plan but I couldn't think that Stefan would agree to keep us prisoner. That was a little extreme to say the least.


 * -|Season 3=

 October 11, 2010  I am done. I am beyond done. I'm still in shock, so I can barely write this...but I have to. I need to. I have to tell someone exactly how I'm feeling right now, and I can't tell a real person. No one would really understand. Not Bonnie, not Elena, not Caroline.
 * Dear diary,

..

Not to mention Jeremy left today. He's officially headed to Denver on a plane as I write this. Yeah, that's right; one of the two family remember that I have left is officially gone.

Oh and how could I forget? It was Caroline's birthday yesterday! How did she celebrate? Well, we threw an amazing funeral...then Tyler bit her. Nothing says 'happy birthday' like a death sentence.


 * -|Season 4=

 November 7, 2010  Forever. The prospect should feel scary, I suppose any time on Earth has been so relatively short. A lot has happen to me, more than most people get to experience in a lifetime but I still have so much to learn.
 * Dear diary,

But I am sure of Damon and I'm sure about forever.

There's my bond with Klaus too. Finally I know how I can care about Klaus and love Damon at the same time. There's a connection between Klaus and me that'll last forever.


 * -|Season 5=

 September 5, 2011  I'm so scared.
 * Dear diary,

My heart is pounding, my mouth is dry, and my hands are shaking. I've faced so much and survived; vampires, werewolves, ghosts. Things I never imagined were real. And now I'm terrified.

Why?

Simply because I'm leaving home.

And I know that it's completely, insanely ridiculous. I'm barely leaving home, really. I'm going to college, only a few hours' drive from this darling town where I've lived since I was a baby.

No, I'm not going to cry again. I'll be sharing a room with Bonnie, only a door away from Caroline and Elena's dorm.

Honestly, I couldn't stick any closer to home unless I never moved out of this town at all. I'm being a wimp. But it seems like I got use to my family, my life - after being exiled for so long, and now I suddenly have to leave again.

I suppose I'm scared partly because these last few weeks of summer have been wonderful. We packed all the enjoyment we would have been living these past few months - if it hadn't been for fighting Silas, losing my humanity, Jeremy's death, and all the other extremely not fun things we've done - into three glorious weeks. We...

We were so happy. So normal in a way I thought could never be again.

That's what's frightening me, I guess. I'm scared that these few weeks have been a bright golden interlude and that now that things are changing, we'll be heading back into darkness and horror. It's like that poem we read in English class last fall say; Nothing gold can stay. Not me.

Still, it's possible that this new life will be wonderful. Maybe I'll find everything I've been looking for. I can't hold on to high school, or to my life here in mystic falls, forever. And who knows? Maybe this time the gold will stay.